2 major pitfalls that can turn any Valentine’s day from SWEET to SOUR.
Valentine’s day can be a lovely celebration and it can also be a total nightmare filled with anxieties and pressures. It’s typically not anyones intention to ruin a valentine’s day however there may be something you are doing to try to help that’s actually making it worse.
The no-win “No Gifts” bargain
You’ve seen it and maybe even experienced it. That moment when you and your lover commit to not getting the other a gift. Maybe you don’t want to make things complicated or you want to take the pressure off. This bargain can feel like a trap and often turns out to be a flop. It can be really tricky, especially in the beginning of a relationship, to throw out this bargain. Sometimes this bargain is used as a test to see if you will follow through and keep your word or if you will say screw it to the bargain and do something “breathtaking”.
The truth is that it becomes what’s called a “double bind”. If you don’t get them a gift like you agreed then you have kept your word but they may feel disappointed because they actually wanted a gift. But if you DO get them a gift you’ve broken the bargain and might make them feel bad for not getting you one too. Pretty hard to win here, right?
Solution: The only way this bargain actually works is if you are both honest that you truly do not want to do or give each other anything on this day. If you actually do want something for Valentine’s day then voice it.
The “If they love me they will know what I want” lie
“I don’t want to have to tell you what to do for me on Valentines day”: This is a common phrase even for things other than Valentines day. We want to feel special and we want that specialness to come solely from the external, our partner. We want them to know what to do, what to say and to create the “perfect” environment for us to feel special.
It makes sense on the surface but when we take a deeper look at this statement what we are actually doing is putting a lot of pressure on our partners. I know that movies, books and the like make it seem like doing something special for someone is easy but the truth is those scenarios took several minds creating moments for characters that they know inside and out. In real life, trying to do something special for someone is vulnerable and not like an edited scene.
Solution: Tell them what you want. Yep it is that simple. No one is a mind reader. Part of creating happiness for yourself is helping facilitate it. If your partner wants to do something special for you and asks you what they could do: tell them. When you withhold information you are only making it harder for yourself to feel special. If your partner is asking, it’s likely because they don’t know. I know it might sound crazy but they really don’t know what to do. This is a vulnerable request and there is space to teach and give them an assist.
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I look forward to hearing from you and hope this helps you as you take your own powerful and transformative journey. Per usual take what fits for you, leave what does not, and join me next time. Until then let’s stay social 
