Want to learn more about how to communicate effectively? Give these 3 steps a try.
We’ve all done it, been in the bedroom getting ready for what should be sleep but instead found ourselves hashing out our frustrations. You try to talk things out but the results are typically going to bed angry or staying up for hours feeling like you are going in circles then crashing to sleep out of exhaustion. These things happen; it’s hard to work things out in relationships. As an Oklahoma therapist here are a 3 steps to help with couples communication.
Step one: Don’t argue in the bedroom
Couple communication happening outside
As an Oklahoma therapist I know that couples conversations get heated on the way to bed. Sometimes this shift feels unavoidable. As much as you are able, have a conversation in a more neutral space such as sitting on the couch and do your best to avoid your bedroom. You and your partner might also consider other places that Oklahoma might have to offer outside that you can use to have a conversation.
Why not the bedroom? That place is meant to be a spot for rest, connection and sex. When one repeatedly has arguments before bed and in the bedroom the body will associate that space as one that is tense and unsafe. Until you and your partner have more practice deescalating your conversations a neutral space can be a helpful way to begin.
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Step Two: Clearly state the intention
Seems obvious but it’s not. As humans we typically try to avoid negative emotions and dislike hearing negative feedback. So talking about a hot topic is not easy. It is important that there is a sense of safety especially when talking through hard things. This means that as you and your partner move into your neutral space you can increase the safety by simply stating your intention.
For example:
- “I want to work something out with you and I know that even though this topic is difficult we can figure it out.”
- “I know you don’t have intentions of hurting me so it’s hard for me to tell you about feeling hurt when this happened. How can we move through this?”
- “I know this topic is hard for us to talk about so when it gets to be too much we will stop and try again this weekend, okay?”
Setting a clear intention that you are wanting to work together can help set the stage for a difficult conversation. It helps to soothe anxieties by sending the message that “even though things are tough I still care and want to honor and respect what we share.”
Step Three: Increase the connection through comfort
Couple communication happening with comforting touch
Physical touch can be a huge help when talking through difficult topics. This can look like cuddling on the couch together, holding hands or simply offering a gentle caress as you communicate. This added level of kindness can soften the communication and increase your ability to be kind. It is usually much easier to yell, walk away or make a jab towards your partner when you are standing, talking on the phone or via text. A kind touch can go a long way in helping you and your partner stay connected through a difficult chat.
Difficult topics need to be discussed and these steps can help you set the stage so you and your partner can have those conversations. It is possible to talk about hard things and leave those conversations feeling even more connected to one another instead of more exhausted and depleted.
Ready to take your communication as a couple to the next level?
You know that you and your significant other just need a few more tools to help you two communicate even better then, book your free discovery call with me. Let me help you uncover the transformative potential of online couples counseling when guided by a clear plan and the expertise of the right therapist can help you now, tomorrow and well into your future.
I look forward to hearing from you and hope this helps you as you take your own powerful and transformative journey. Per usual take what fits for you, leave what does not, and join me next time. Until then let’s stay social 
