Ever wonder why some conversations with your partner are easy to have while others turn into chaos? Read more about how to identify the level of heat present when couples communicate.
Identifying Hot topics in Couples Communication
As a couples therapist it’s common to see couples struggle with communication. When sharing your life with your partner issues are bound to arise. Some are easy to work through together but for many couples there are some topics that are just way more difficult to talk about than others.
The term HOT TOPIC is used for these issues. What is and isn’t a hot topic is different for each couple. These hot topics tend to cause more problems and become more frustrating than other items couples might communicate about.
These topics tend to come in a range of intensities from mild to medium and then the truly hot. There is also the deceptive “fake mild”.
What topics of conversation gets heated for couples?
While you look at these keep in mind these topics are different for every couple so it is hard to give exact examples because for one couple Work may be a mild topic while for another it may be a hot topic. What distinguishes the intensity of a topic for your relationship is how you act, react, and how resolved the topic feels after a conversation.
😇 Mild: These are topics that you can talk about with ease. Neither one of you really gets worked up or shut down. If it is a mild topic the conversation tends to go without issue, you don’t get defensive and both of you leave the conversation continuing to feel connected to one another.
-Example: Sharing about how your day went, Dinner plans, Sharing positive feedback about sex
😏 Medium: These topics have a bit more heat but usually come across as a healthy debate and respecting differing opinions. You may feel a bit more exhausted when discussing these topics but they don’t tend to linger. You and your partner can still pick up where you left off even if you need some time apart.
-Example: Social plans and time off, Sharing negative feedback about sex
😈 Hot: These topics are tough to talk about despite your best intentions. You and your partner get defensive and leave the conversation feeling depleted and fatigued. There is typically a strong lingering tension and a lack of resolution no matter how many times the topic is discussed.
-Examples: Negotiating plans with in-laws, Setting financial priorities, Sharing ongoing sexual frustrations, etc.
In case you missed 
3 steps to setting the stage for a conversation with your significant other
Beware the “fake mild” topics in couples communication
“Fake mild” topics seem to start off mild but they quickly escalate into something much hotter. They center around something that seems benign but underneath there is something much more serious going on. They are what I call the “take out the trash” conversation. It goes something like this:
You: Lover, you forgot to take out the trash.
Partner: I’ll get to it.
You: Can you take it out right now?
Partner: I already said, “I’d get to it!”
You: I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to just take out the trash. [Bleep!] I already asked you to do it!?!
Partner: I don’t see the big deal. I’m gonna do it’
At this point maybe you leave and might even angrily grab the trash and take it out yourself.
Notice the quick escalation of the topic which initially seems mild. That’s because the “fake milds” aren’t actually about “the trash” they are about something deeper; an unspoken message underneath the conversation. In this example a possible underlying message is that when your partner doesn’t take out the trash you feel uncared for, like keeping your home clean doesn’t matter to them, or like you can’t depend on them.
On the other hand your partner may feel that no matter what they do it’s not enough or done well enough for you, that the other things they take care of are inconsequential, or that they are not trusted to take care of tasks. These issues provide a lot of heat even though neither partner mentions them at all.
How knowing “heat level” can help you improve your communication
When you know what level of heat you are dealing with it will help you better navigate the conversations between you and your partner. Every relationship has all levels of heat when they communicate. Consider taking some time to talk to your partner about the topics of conversation that come up in your relationship and what level of heat they have. Look for the “fake mild” topics in your relationship and discuss what might be underlying them.
Ready to dive into to even better communication with you partner?
It’s time for you and your spouse to start communicating with more intimacy and less exhaustion. If you are ready to take the next step then book your free discovery call with me. Let me help you uncover the transformative potential of couples counseling when guided by a clear plan and the expertise of the right therapist can help you now, tomorrow and well into your future.
I look forward to hearing from you and hope this helps you as you take your own powerful and transformative journey. Per usual take what fits for you, leave what does not, and join me next time. Until then let’s stay social 🙂
