How Criticism Damages Your Relationship and What to Do Instead with Marriage Therapy in Colorado

Have you noticed yourself getting defensive when you’re talking to your partner? Do you wish there were ways for conversations to happen more smoothly? Maybe you have noticed that you and your partner both do things that make it really difficult to have an easygoing conversation, especially when you’re trying to talk about topics that are difficult for the two of you.

Couples reach out for counseling to work on their communication more often than not. Partners want to fix the difficulty they are having communicating with each other. They are tired of conversations turning into conflict and having a difficult time talking through hard topics. Couples are often confused about why some conversations go smoothly while others quickly turn into an issue.

The truth is, it is normal to have issues with communication, especially when you are in a long-term relationship and trying to work things out while also making day-to-day life happen. There are a lot of things thrown your way that make it difficult to navigate everything without being able to talk things through and find a solution together.

However, when conflict gets to the point where both of you are at a standstill, things get tricky. Defensiveness happens for couples all the time, and today I want to talk about one defense in particular: criticism.

If this blog gives you some ideas but you and your partner are still struggling to communicate, consider reaching out for a free consultation to see how marriage therapy in Colorado could help you get your communication where you want it to be.

How Criticism Damages Communication in a Relationship

Criticism plays a key role in creating issues when you’re trying to communicate with your partner. This defense often comes from a desire to find a solution. You want to tell your partner how they could have done something differently or better, or what would have actually been helpful.

But sometimes that desire to solve the problem comes out as a critique.

Instead of working together to find a solution, you find yourself pointing out everything your partner has done wrong. Criticism can quickly become less about collaborating and more about proving that your way was the right way.

Criticism often comes from a place of superiority, of feeling like you know better or that you would have handled things differently. Unfortunately, this creates more distance between you and your partner and makes it much harder for the two of you to actually collaborate.

When someone feels criticized, they are less likely to want to join in and continue the conversation. Criticism also shuts down curiosity. When you come into a conversation believing you already know what happened, why your partner did something, or what they were thinking, there is no room left to discover anything new.

And that means you lose the opportunity to understand what may have been happening for your partner. That does not excuse their behavior or decision-making. But understanding what was happening for them can give you more information about the issue and help you approach the conversation differently.

We often criticize when we are annoyed, upset, and frustrated. Maybe you wish something had gone differently. Maybe you feel like if you had handled something yourself, it would have been done correctly. But criticism makes communication much more difficult because it loses the actual purpose of communication: helping you and your partner understand each other and collaborate.

When you criticize your partner, what you may unintentionally be communicating is, “I need to handle it. You can’t handle it.” You communicate continued distrust in your relationship and your partner. And that makes it harder for your relationship to build trust, connection, and understanding.

So what can you do instead?

1. Notice When You Are Being Critical and Take Responsibility

The first step is noticing when you’re criticizing and then apologizing for it.

You might say something like, “I can’t believe you did that,” “What were you thinking?” or “You should really do it this way.”

These statements may feel like you’re simply pointing out what happened, but they often come across as critical rather than constructive. When you notice yourself saying something like this, you can stop and say, “I’m sorry. That came across as putting you down. I’m frustrated, and I took it out on you.”

When you apologize, make sure you are actually apologizing for what you did rather than immediately explaining why you did it. That distinction matters. When you say, “I’m sorry I said that, but I was frustrated because…” the explanation can start to sound like an excuse. You can always explain what was happening for you later. First, take responsibility for the way you communicated.

You might say, “I’m sorry that was critical. That isn’t going to help us communicate well. I’m going to take responsibility for how I spoke to you and try to shift the way I’m communicating.” That small pivot can make a big difference.

Criticism is often a sign that you are frustrated or dysregulated. And when you’re already feeling activated, it is much more likely that criticism will escalate the conversation and make things worse. You end up rolling the snowball further down the hill, watching it get bigger and bigger, instead of stopping it before it has a chance to gain momentum.

2. Approach Your Partner With Curiosity

Another way to move away from criticism is to approach the conversation with more curiosity.

Instead of, “Why did you do it that way?” or “What were you thinking?” you might try:

“Help me understand what made you choose that.”

“I’m wondering what happened that made you feel that way.”

“Can you help me understand what you were thinking?”

Curiosity allows more information to come into the conversation. And the more information you have, the better you can understand what is actually happening instead of immediately critiquing what has already happened. When we communicate with curiosity, we come in with a more open mind. We are trying to understand what is happening between us rather than assuming we already know.

I know that some of you might be thinking, “But my partner does want to argue. My partner does want to get frustrated.” Sometimes that can certainly feel true. But more often than not, couples do not actually want to argue. They don’t want to fight. They don’t want conversations to become heated and difficult. Sometimes your partner may simply be frustrated about something, and that frustration is coming out in the conversation. Sometimes it may not even be about you.

Being curious about why the conversation is going the way it is can help you get more information before you react. You might still need to say, “I don’t appreciate the way you handled that.” But that sounds very different from, “Why did you do it that way? What were you thinking?” The first statement communicates frustration. The second communicates criticism.

Curiosity gives you a chance to soften the conversation before criticism takes over.

3. Talk About What Is Actually Hurting You

Criticism is often a product of something deeper. There is usually something underneath the criticism that you are actually upset about.

Instead of saying, “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe you made that decision. Why would you do that? That’s not what I thought we agreed upon,” you might say:

“It really frustrates me that you made this decision without consulting me. I feel left out of the decision-making. It would be really important to me that next time we stop and talk before we make this kind of decision so that we can decide together.”

You are telling your partner what hurt you instead of attacking them for what they did.  Maybe underneath your criticism is disappointment. Maybe you thought you had clearly asked your partner to do something, and they didn’t do it.  And underneath that disappointment might be something even more vulnerable.

Maybe you feel like they don’t care about what you asked for. Maybe you feel like they aren’t taking you seriously. Maybe you feel like what matters to you doesn’t matter to them. That is the heart of the matter. And getting to the heart of the matter allows you to have a much more vulnerable conversation with your partner.

Openness often leads to openness. The more open and vulnerable you can be with your partner, the easier and more inviting it can be for your partner to become open and vulnerable with you. This is where communication can start to change.

Instead of arguing about who is right, you are talking about what actually matters. Because the truth is, the criticism isn’t what you really want. You don’t want to spend the evening going back and forth about who was right or wrong. You don’t want to decide who wins and who loses. You want to resolve the issue. You want to feel understood. You want to feel like you and your partner are on the same team. You want both of you to come out of the conversation feeling more connected and stronger as a couple, not more bogged down by the conflict.

4. Remember What It Feels Like to Be Criticized

One final technique that can help is putting yourself in your partner’s shoes.

We’ve all been criticized by someone. We’ve all experienced that feeling, whether the other person intended to criticize us or not.

And we’ve probably all had the experience of telling someone, “That felt critical,” only to hear, “I’m not criticizing you. I’m just telling you a fact.”

But whether someone intends to criticize you or not, you know what it feels like when you experience it that way. It doesn’t feel good. So when you notice yourself becoming critical, take a moment to think about what it might feel like to be on the receiving end of your words. You absolutely have the right to be upset. But being upset does not mean you have to criticize your partner.

You can be frustrated and still choose a different way of communicating. Taking your partner’s perspective can remind you that criticism rarely motivates us to solve a problem. More often, it makes us want to shut down, defend ourselves, or get away from the conversation altogether. You don’t walk away from criticism thinking, “That really made me want to do better.” You walk away thinking, “I hope that never happens again.” And that is important to remember when you are communicating with your partner. If criticism doesn’t help you move toward your partner, it is very unlikely that it is going to help your partner move toward you.

What to Do When You Notice Criticism Showing Up

Criticism makes sense. It often shows up when we feel frustrated, unheard, disappointed, or uncared for. It is usually trying to communicate that something matters to us.  But criticism does not actually help us communicate that message.

So when you notice yourself wanting to criticize, pause.

Own it.

Get curious about what is happening underneath it.

Speak to the heart of the matter.

And remember what it felt like the last time you were criticized and how that experience probably did not make you more open. It probably made you want to shut down. So continuing to criticize isn’t going to help long-term.

How Marriage Therapy in Colorado Can Help

Learning to communicate differently with your partner is not always easy, especially when you have been stuck in the same pattern for a long time.

Sometimes you know exactly what you should say, but when you are frustrated, hurt, or feeling disconnected from your partner, it is much harder to actually do it.

This is one of the reasons marriage therapy in Colorado can be so helpful. Therapy can give you and your partner a space to slow down the cycle, understand what is happening underneath your conflict, and practice communicating in a way that actually brings you closer together.

The goal isn’t to never have conflict. The goal is to help you and your partner feel more confident in your ability to move through conflict together.

Because things are going to come up.

You are going to disappoint each other. You are going to misunderstand each other. You are going to make decisions that the other person doesn’t agree with.

What matters is knowing that when those things happen, you can move through them together.

If you’re wanting professional support for you and your partner to move through conflict in a way that truly assists your relationship and brings you closer together, reach out today and schedule a free consultation.

Together, we can figure out the next best step for you and your partner so that you can build the kind of relationship you hoped for when you married each other.